Words: Gentleman's Journal
It is universally acknowledged that men should pay for the first date. A true gentleman knows that if he has asked a woman on the first date (as is the norm) then he should be the one picking up the tab. Or, as it is so perfectly put,“the person who requests the pleasure, pays for the pleasure” (Debrett’sGuide for the Modern gentleman).
As with most things in life, however, nothing is simple. If the first date was a success then dates number 2 and 3 can cause the most trouble on the money front, and a question that most men will at some point wonder is: do women actually expect men to pay after the first date? Several decades ago fewer women worked, and if they did they mostly earned significantly less than men. These days, however, the constant drive for equal pay and women as true equals to men means that this question is ever more important. The last thing you would want to do is offend your date by refusing to let her pay and thus be seen as equal, but equally it could cause far more offence if you didn’t pick up the tab when she was expecting you to.Well, gentlemen, I thought I’d try my best to answer this age-old question and let you know exactly what the real women of today expect.
For the sake of this article I’m sticking to the pre ‘seeing each other’ stage of dating, which usually consist of dates 1 – 6 (N.B: after date 6 you should be considering whether you want an exclusive relationship to develop or if it’s time to say your goodbyes).
As usual, I took the liberty of carrying out a thoroughly rigorous research process, by which I mean I texted every woman in my phonebook begging for their thoughts. The outcome of replies on the subject was refreshingly universal, but first of all, read and repeated this: the greatest spoiler to romance is Going Dutch. Never has a mood been so swiftly massacred than when a bill has been split.
It’s true that some women are actively insulted if men insist on paying for everything, whereas others think it’s chivalrous and gentlemanly if they do, and, quite frankly, rather flattering. Thisbasically means you need to work out what kind of girl you are currently dating and sadlyyou’re on your own there. What I can do, however, is relay these comments from various female friends and colleagues on the matter:
“I do think they should still pay for the second and third date. Even though I would always offer to pay, I’d be quite offended if they accepted that. Having said that, I would always want them to let me pay for at least something during the evening – if we went for dinner then I’d want to pay for the drinks afterwards, more out of politeness than anything else.”
“I think that after the first date there’s no real reason for him to pay and I think it’s ridiculous in this day and age for girls to expect the man to always pay – but then I’m always flattered when they do.”
“I think whoever choses the date or suggests the date should pay. If I suggest going to a gig or an exhibition I would always pay for those tickets, as it was my idea, but if he asked me to do those things, I’d probably assume he was going to pay.”
“He should offer to pay, then she should refuse, then he should insist, and then she should counter that offer with the offer of paying for drinks or something else afterwards.”
“I think you should split things, but never the physical bill. If he pays for dinner, you pay for the drinks at the bar afterwards. If he pays for the taxi, you pay for the coffee, etc.”
Essentially what we’re saying is no. We don’texpect you to pay,but it is nice when you do. Yes, maybe the majority of us would like you to pay for the bulk of dates 2 and 3, but we also want the chance to show you that we’re interested in you (and that we’re polite!), and that means letting us pay for at least something throughout the night. When it comes to date numbers 4 – 6, then it depends on who chooses the date, or rather “requests the pleasure”.
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